The Ships Pidgeon

Avast! The ships pidgeon continues to please me. This lad made the mistake of trying to feed the ships pidgeon.


As you can see this young man payed dearly. Not since the ships boy got me tickets to see David Hasselhoff and Barry Mantilow in concert together have I been this pleased with a crew member.

Our Newest Crew Member

Avast! In my last post I breifly introduced you to Biscuit, the ships dog. Well, I recently found myself in need of a new guard animal because Biscuit has lost his fierceness. I think it is because he has been spending to much time with the ships boy. Just look at what the ships boy did to Biscuit.

Biscuit was once the meanest most furocious guard dog around, he used to be butch-- now he wears flaymbuoyantly colored tights, excercises to Richard Simmons videos, and listens to WAM albums all day long. This lead me to finding a new ships animal that I could use to smite my foes. Here is the newest member of my crew, the ships pigeon.

As you can see I trained him well. I have trained him to do a lot of things... well no, not really-- actually I just trained him to do several very disturbing and unique variations of what you see above. I find his methods effective and entertaining. The new ships pigeon has filled a whole in my heart that Biscuit had left.

Life is good again.

Violently Sick on the High Seas

Avast! On our way back from the Tasman sea my entire crew and I got violently sick. We just couldn't stop throwing up. Maybe it was the bad horse poo that the we got in New Zealand. It wasn't scurvey, if it had been scurvey the ships boy would have been fruity enough to cure us all. We were puking so much that we needed to install new two story porta-pottys to handle all the crew members that needed to puke. Only too late did we learn that there is a fundamental design flaw with the two story outhouse. That is what I get for appointing the ships boy to be the head engineer. No one was safe.
Here is 1st mate Bunny Mandrake in mid-barf.

Here is 2nd mate Dallas Mansfield-- he is getting some impressive distance.

Here is 3rd mate Raphael Manson.

Below is the Ships Oarsman Jerimiah Manziere wallowing in his own regurgitation.

Not even Biscuit the ships dog was immune. Some members of the crew still tried to enjoy themselves inspite of the constant puking.

That is the last time we let the ships boy buy semi rotten horse poo from a man on the side of a dirt road in New Zealand. You just can't trust the quality when you buy it on the side of the road, you have no idea where it has been.

A Great Buy on Horse Poo

Avast! On my latest voyage to the Tasman Sea I found some excellent buys. In Tasmania you can purchase one whole bag of horse poo for 50 cents.

And in New Zeland you can buy a large bag of rotten horse poo for only 1$.

As expected, the ships boy spent all his wages on sacks of rotten horse poo.

We Need a New Ship's Boy

Avast! Me and my crew are looking for a new ships boy for my next seaward voyage. If you are interested then there are a few qualificaitions you must meet first. You must be able to carry a tune, as we pirates often sing while we scrub the yardarn and hoist the mast. Our favorite songs are "I'm a Gini in a bottle baby," by Christina Agulierera and "Hallelujah its raining men." Altos are prefered. But the job isn't just singing show tunes, prancing on the poop deck, and general merryment... no no. I won't lie, the position of ships boy is not as glamorous as this all may sound. While you would get to sail the high seas in search of loot and booty, you would also be the gopher of the ship. You do whatever everyone else says. For example the ships boy must, upon request, give any member of the crew a sponge bath. It is hard to maintain a standard of cleanliness on a pirate ship. Myself and the other pirates do not have the time to bath or wash ourselves, therefore the ships boy must do it for us. The ships boy is also subject to random beatings, atomic wedgies, and rounds of hide the almond. If you are still interested then let me know and we will perhaps consider you for our next ships boy.

FAQ's

Avast! I am the Blog Pirate, I sail the high seas and from time to time stop to write a post about my many adventures on my seaward voyages.

Here I will answer some of frequently asked questions about piracy

What is a typical day for a pirate like?
-You fools! There be no such thing as a typical day for a pirate. I may be smuggling almonds two at a time one day and running from a pack of wild horsmanga the next. Or perhaps I would instead find myself illuding a mob of saucy wenches who are all seeking to make me their husband.

How many crew members does your ship have?
-That may vary, but there are a few people you must always have. There needs to be a first mate, a ships boy, a cook, and because life on the sea can be so stressful-- one person must double as an analyst and a therapist... you should see his business cards.

As a pirate, do you find it easy to meet girls?
-Apparently you didn't read the answer to the first question. If you be a pirate you have it made. All the saucy wenches love you, and you don't even have to bother with all of that pestering bathing and attention to personal hygiene like most people.

Is it true that pirates have poor personal hygiene?
-Cleanliness, grooming, unoffensive odors... a pirate cares not for such things.

That is enough for now. I brought back a violent case of dysentary from my vist to the outer edges of the pacific.